To Feel, To Die
by Riverside Princess
Summary: Seifer reflects on his life being the Sorceress' Knight after the game. Implied Slash.


Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 8; please do not sue me for I am poor.   
Synopsis: Seifer reflects on his life after the game. (Contains some implied slash.)  
Pairing: Some implied.   
Warnings: Angst  
Authors Notes: ::shrugs:: I was at a loss for ideas…  
To Feel, To Die…   
  
The sea was calm. Almost like a mirror. And within I saw my reflection. And I hated what I saw. Everything about me. My hair, my eyes, my face… the thin red scar that marred me. I hated it all. Hated them all. I always had. Or so I wanted to believe. But how do you hate the people that make you feel… when otherwise you wouldn't. I owe it to them… Zell, Squall, Quistis, and Rinoa. They made me feel.   
  
Rinoa stirred feelings within me… those feelings when you know you're in love. She taught me to love again… and then she crushed my heart in her hand. I can imagine the visual… my beating hearth, throbbing in her tiny pale hand. Her hand closes, crushing my heart. Blood goes everywhere, squishing between her fingers, spattering the front of her outfit. Oh, she made me feel… happiness and sorrow, wonderfully and pained. I could not have lived without her by my side… even for a mere moment.   
  
Zell made me feel power, I could manipulate him. With a single word I could get him into a tizzy. I had to do nothing else… only speak to him. He made me feel high. On myself. I put him down and made myself feel better. And he took it. In a sense… I made him the way he is now. Angry, unappreciative, against the world… I made him like that. Only I could break his spirit like I did. No one else could have managed it… no one else is as heartless as I. Squall may have seemed it but he was weak and pathetic under his mask of indifference. I know he wanted to be held… but he pretended. But I made Zell… he made me feel like a god unknowingly. He made me so powerful. He made me truly realize my dreams… because he was a successive test of what I was capable of. I could not have lived without his weakness.  
  
Quistis taught me humility. She showed me that no matter what power I had with some people I would never have any over her. Time and time again she would best me in battle. She would calmly take what I dished out and shove it down my throat with the greatest of ease. She is a strong, independent woman with the soul of a kindred spirit and the fierceness of a tiger. Her beauty and elegance were an added feature. It made defeat by her hand even more painful. She was so small and delicate yet there was so much power in her lithe form. She could beat any man into submission. Had I not been so stubborn I would have listened. She taught me that no matter what I thought of myself and no matter what other people thought of me… that I was still mortal, still fallible, and still weak. I could not have lived without her strength… even if it was used against me.   
  
And then there is Squall. And he made me. His arrogant and cool exterior… his constant putting me down. His anger towards me… I never knew what caused it but it doesn't matter. Because I am the better for it. He was like I was towards Zell. He could manipulate me into doing things. I would get angry… he was provocative. I loved the man and wanted to show him but I was met with ice walls and rejection. And so I learned to hate. I hated him… but not more than I hate me. He was the man who taught me I couldn't get at everyone. He taught me that if someone was under his protection I wasn't getting through. And it was true. Because he always protected Nida, no matter what the cost, and Nida was the only one in the garden who didn't fear me and didn't worship me. Well… Quistis and Squall didn't.   
  
All of these people have made me who I am. This weak contemptible soul who shouldn't be living. Squall made me weak, Quistis made me think, Zell made me feel godlike, and Rinoa made me feel. It doesn't matter which emotions came of it… because all of them died and melted away like the snow on a Spring day… when I allied myself with the Sorceress. No matter whom she was inhabiting… I was there. I was Edea and Adel's Knight. Rinoa didn't need me… she had Squall. And then Edea didn't need me because she realized that Cid Kramer, the headmaster of Balamb was the Knight she needed. And so I became Ultemecia's Knight… but I was merely her tool. She did not love me the way Rinoa and Edea loved their Knights. Adel was so powerful she didn't need one…   
  
Ultemecia did nothing for me. She merely was and I was merely her servant. I had no mind of my own. I was a slave to her will. And I fought for her… I fought for all of them. Through sunshine and snowstorm. I was there. I would've died for every single one of them and many times I almost did. With Ultemecia it was different though. I couldn't die. I couldn't live either. I was a prisoner in my own mind. To keep me in control, when she didn't need me, she would lock me in a room playing the horrible scenes from my life in my minds eyes. Like some sick movie on repeat. It was horrible. I lost myself. Falling deeper into the pit of despair I had created. But there was nothing I could do or say to get me out of it… because I was a tool… a slave… a… prisoner. And so I existed to do her bidding and she tortured me when I was not busy. Sometimes she would force me to watch horrible images of her own design. She made me watch as she crucified, murdered, and hurt the people who had made me feel. She made me watch as she mutilated the people I loved.   
  
For they thought me cold hearted but I did love. Two people. Unconditionally. Unwaveringly. Forever. Until the day I died. I would have gone to hell for them… and personally busted down the gates for them to enter. No matter what the condition, no matter what the cost. I would've given my life for them. Rinoa and Squall. The two people who meant everything to me. It was a sad and sickening thing. She knew I loved by how I hesitated when told to attack. Even it was for an instance. I don't think they knew though… I hoped they didn't.   
  
Squall would always give me a confused look before we went into battle… because I would always apologize. I marred his beauty. I destroyed his porcelain face. The face that looked like it was carved out of marble. I destroyed beauty as I was angered. Looking back I realize that was the worst decision I had ever made. I still wonder how I could have done such a thing.   
  
And now I am looking at myself. In a mirror that is actually the sea. The sea is still this morning. Unstirred by wind or rain. The sky is steel blue as it is barely morning, but just after sunrise. The clouds are like grey ships floating in an ocean. It was a picture of elegance, beauty, and grace. And I would have destroyed it if they had asked. So now I sit here, knowing that I have done nothing commendable in my life. I had only destroyed all that I have loved… all that had made me feel. And I wonder about myself… I wondered if I deserved to live.   
  
My gunblade sat next to me and I contemplated suicide. I dragged my thumb across the sharp edge, watching the blood bead carefully as it began to bleed. I watched it, stared at it, intently. For I knew the path I had to take.   
  
I was no longer a threat… I would not attack again… so they let me go. But the price was too high… the reward not enough and the pain to great. There was only one thing I could do. The sun was not shining through the clouds and gently it began to rain. Destroying my reflection. The answer was there.   
  
I had destroyed the beauty of others and now nature had given me the answer. I grip the hilt of my gunblade, resolving myself for the task… and I slowly cut myself across the neck, from one side to the other. The blood begins to spill. Mingling with the rain and dripping into the sea. I can feel my life drip from me… and I know this is the answer. I must destroy the destroyed and for them I am making a sacrifice. And I slip deeper, the world around me blurring at the edges. The rain falls harder, destroys me. I can no longer see myself in the water. I slump over, too weak to hold myself up. And I tumble into the water, allowing it to wash over me… not even bothering to try and break the surface.   
  
I tumble into the crushing darkness. The pressure on my chest increases as I breath in the water. I can still see my blood as it trails while I fall… and this is how it would end. And I suddenly stop feeling… pain, sadness, happiness, anger… it is all wiped away as my world goes black… and I know that even as my light fades… I will see them in the next life… and apologize. For I have wronged them… they made me feel. 


End file.
